Fears of Being a ‘Bad’ Mom

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I consider myself an experienced mother now that I have three small children. I don’t freak out when they get sick, I manage to get them to eat a healthy and varied diet, and I’m almost finished with the sleep issues (although Ellie is recently making another valiant effort at trying to cripple me with her recent 1 to 2 hour-long, no-reason, wakeups at 2am — I will prevail!!)

So why do I feel like I am a bad mom? It’s all about that mommy guilt and I am a huge sufferer of it.  I actually do feel that I have several weaknesses that don’t parlay into being a great mothering figure.

First of all, I never really was a baby person so the three plus years of intense baby time that I have experienced has been a complete drudgery to me with the occasional glimpses of humor (like when I had three diapered children screaming bloody hell at the same time because of runny poo all over their legs and I was only able to change one at a time while the other two ran around contaminating everything in the room).

Ok, there is one caveat about babies.  Breastfeeding was truly a special experience and one that still gives me warm fuzzies when I remember it.

Second, I’m selfish.  I miss the days of doing whatever I wanted.  Going out to restaurants and movies, meeting friends at bars, having a career, sitting around and reading a great book, and just tending to my own needs.  This causes me to now seek alone time whenever I can.  When the twins go down for a nap, I feel a strong desire to get on the computer and browse my favorite sites even though I still have my oldest, Will, clamoring for attention from me.  It is so hard for me to muster up some creative energy for him and that is something I really want to change.

Third, I find there are more stresses and unpleasantness than there are joys right now.  I see moms around me and I know moms who say “Oh, I love being a mom!”.  I certainly DON’T love it.  I do find special moments when my heart swells with love and gratefulness for my children, but right now I have to say that the pendulum is swinging to the “Not Fun” side of motherhood.  I keep getting reassured that this will change as they get older.

Finally, let me say I adore my kids and I am fiercely protective of them.  I wouldn’t change my decision to have them but I worry that my issues make me a less than perfect mom.  I strive to improve these weaknesses day by day.  Is there anyone else out there that has similar feelings?  Please share and make me feel less like a failing mom!

Babies Are Bad For Your Marriage

I am hoping this will change once the twins are a little older but I do think that having babies is the worst thing you can do for your marriage! Let’s recap the progression of my relationship with Jason:

1996 – We meet and are instantly attracted to each other but are dating other people.

1997 – We spend the last year flirting outrageously and finally get together after ending both of our previous relationships.

1998 – 2003 – Terribly sexy and fulfilling relationship. He’s the one. Can’t imagine life without him.

2004 – We get married!

2004 – 2006 – Married life is good. Enjoy big cities as a young married couple. Deal with usual small issues but all is good.

2006 – My first son is born.  Life changes dramatically.  Sleep is a huge issue and I do not deal with it well.  Lots of sniping with husband.

2007 – Things get a little better but there is no more time for “us”.   Life with one child seems overwhelming, especially in London with no family around.

2008 – The twins are born.  We look back at life with one child as the good life.  All hell breaks loose.  I never sleep a full night again.  I am a wreck and I do not treat my husband well.  (He is no angel either).

2009 – Things do not get better.

2010 – I am terribly hopeful that my husband and I can ‘rediscover’ each other.  It seems like I am just trying to get through each day.  I shower my babies with love but there is not much leftover for my husband.  Some days I think how different our life would be if we didn’t have three children under four years old.  How do people keep marriage alive with small children?? I have become such a grouch and he is not much better.

My advice to newly married couples:  Wait to have children!