The 12 Things I Hate About England

In honor of Christmas, I have put together a list of the 12 Things I Hate About England. Sorry, but it had to be done.  There is just too much that is irritating me now and I just have to vent!  Warning:  some inappropriate language.

12.  Slutty fashion worn by unfit or older women

I know you see this in America as well, but I find it pervasive here.  The majority of women aged 16 to 60 wear slutty, tight, too small, cheap, shiny clothes that do NOT flatter them in the least.  They complement this memorable clothing with stripper heels that are minimally 5 inches high.  What are they thinking?  I cannot understand how the rolls of fat pushing out from under their too short, too tight tops escape their eye when they look in a mirror.  It is especially offensive when you see a 45-year-old woman dressed like this — come on, you just look like an aging hooker!  My mind cannot comprehend this at all (and I do like sexy clothing — I’m not a puritan in my dress).

11.  Packaging

This seems odd but it really is starting to irritate me.  First of all, there is way too much packaging on simple things like fruit or veggies in the supermarkets.  Secondly, for food products that require good packaging like rice or couscous or something else that is small and hard to contain they make it impossible to open the package without tearing the damn thing and then there is no effective way to keep it closed and fresh.  When you buy as many groceries as I do, you are constantly opening and closing little packages (because they don’t seem to do much bulk food here).  I’m so tired of pulling out stale crackers or loose nuts in my cupboards.

10.  Anti-Americanism

Everyone knows that France is always bitching about America but surprisingly so does the U.K.  I’m tired of always hearing America being the butt of nasty jokes.  The English think we are all the same and that we’re gun-toting, southern sounding, ignorant folk who have no manners.  Get real!  I could go on and on about the ignorance of the Cockney sounding Brits around here.  They make fun of our business philosophy, our police, our politics, our education, our wealth, our aggressiveness and the size of our country and the people (by the way, I find the English talking about fat Americans like the pot calling the kettle black).  I think that this attitude is so pervasive that they are even reluctant to get to know an American when they meet one,  i.e. me at playgroups.  Trying to befriend the English mums around here has been like pulling teeth.

9.  Meeting people

Along those same lines, making friends has been one of the most frustrating experiences I have had here.  In America, if you meet a woman you like, especially if she has a child of similar age, you could immediately say, “Let’s meet up for coffee on such and such day”.  Here, I have found that English women find that a little forward and are put off if I try to suggest getting together too quickly after meeting.  I met a woman pushing a stroller in my neighborhood and we stopped and chatted for a little while.  I really liked her and wanted to invite her over for tea but I was afraid of seeming too ‘pushy’ and thought I would wait until the next time we ran into each other.  That didn’t happen again for another year and a half!  At that time, it seemed a little late to invite her.

8.  Taxes

I do not need to say too much on this point.  Let’s just say I can truly understand why the early Americans revolted against the British.  A 50% income tax rate is being approved in this country.  Enough said.

7.  Too much makeup

I don’t know why the young women in this country feel the need to cake on the make up.  Combined with the trampy clothing, they look like prostitutes in an opera production.  They have such fresh-scrubbed , healthy looking faces naturally.  The layers of foundation are especially ridiculous.

6.  Background checks

There is new legislation that requires all adults to have a criminal background check if they are involved in any organized activity with children at least once a month.  At first glance, this seems perfectly reasonable and safe.  However, when you look at it more closely and look at this requirement in practice, it seems a little sinister.    The Independent Safeguarding Authority will require the comprehensive background check even for parents carpooling children to school.  Authors who go to school for readings will need to be checked.  In one case, a psychiatrist accompanied by a parent was not allowed access to the school in an emergency because she had not had the check.  The ISA has also said its investigators must even consider dismissed charges in a person’s background so that if someone has had false accusations against him/her, they could potentially be barred from ever working with children.  This is outrageous!  The danger in all of this is that the government is trying to convince parents that children will be 100% safe now because practically everyone will be checked.  Does this sound rational?  Are we giving up all responsibility of protecting our children to the government?  This does not sound like an effective or safe idea.  Look at the Thalidomide scandal in the 195os/1960s.  See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thalidomide.  Do we really want the government taking so much control of our children’s safety?  I think this new requirement is an invasion of privacy and I refuse to have one done if I’m carpooling my kids to school.  Go ahead, arrest me!

5.  The school run

For those of you who do not live in England, the school run consists of parents driving their kids to school in the morning and picking them up in the afternoon.  They do not do school buses in this country.  This means that every day around 8:30am and 3pm, you have an additional rush hour of traffic that also includes bottlenecks of SUV and minivans near all schools as parents drop off and pick up kids.  What a mess!  In a country that is part of the European Union, where our carbon footprint is harped upon constantly, you would think school buses would be a given.  Not so.  So I have the joy of lugging my young twins to school everyday as I send Will off to school the next few years.  Talk about chaos in the morning at our house!

4.  The justice system

This subject could be a 5000-word essay but let me just give one example of how confused this legal system is.  A year or so ago, a convenience store owner was locking up his store and getting into his car with his cash bag when he was attacked by a thief with a knife.  He defended himself against the attacker and in the scuffle the knife went into the heart of the attacker.  When the police came, they arrested the shop owner (who had several knife wounds and was very injured) and took him directly to jail.  Eventually, the shop owner was cleared of this death but not before having to defend himself legally and suffering some jail time.  The official position was that the shop owner used undue force against this deadly attacker. That’s outrageous!  The prevailing view in this justice system is if a law-abiding citizen is even slightly aggressive, violent, or transgressing a minor law, they are much more harshly punished by the courts than career criminals who do terrible acts.  It seems the government is offended if a good citizen dares cross the line and thus he must be taught a lesson, but they expect nothing less from a criminal so it really doesn’t matter how you punish them.  There is so much more that can be written but this is a general idea of what appalls me.

3.  Health and safety

There is a government agency in England that is called Health and Safety.  Apparently it is their job to make sure no one ever gets hurt doing anything.  It has gotten so extreme that England’s government has the nickname of the Nanny State because of how it has tried to involve Health & Safety in every aspect of people’s lives.  High school chemistry classes are hardly allowed any experiments with chemicals because of H&S.  My husband’s job has rules that do not allow him to lift a single box no matter the size unless he is ‘trained’ on how to lift it.  I believe if someone wants to do something dangerously stupid or even mildly dangerous, it’s their prerogative.  Let them suffer the consequences of their actions.

2. Rampant thievery

This one is somewhat related to the justice system.  London is a den of thieves.  While living in the city, we were robbed four times in three years — two house break-ins, one pickpocket in a supermarket, and one online debit card theft.  Thousands of pounds were lost.  In all four thefts, the perpetrators had been or easily could have been identified.  No thief received any jail time or much consequence due to his/her actions.  It pays to be a thief here because you won’t go to jail and in some cases the police do not even pursue the case.  I lived in New York City for four years and was not robbed once.  I now scuttle about the city clutching my purse, hovering over my ATM withdrawals, and locking doors and windows tightly while making sure it’s obvious that we now have a big dog.  Fun.

1.  The weather

No mention of England can omit talk of the weather.  I now understand why.  The weather is truly terrible and it affects your mood constantly.  You can practically wear the same jacket year round because the usual weather forecast is mostly cloudy with rain and some patches of sun.  Winters are terribly dreary — dark, cold, and rainy.  That darkness can really weigh you down after a while.  The summers can be sunnier but never quite that warm and you always have to bundle up in the evening again so dining al fresco  for dinner is just not that pleasant.  I miss hot summers and cold, snowy winters.  I certainly see why drinking is so popular over here.  When it is raining, just above freezing, and dark at 4pm on a November day, all you want to do is have a pint in a warm pub.  (There are some good things about England, like pubs, but I’ll do a separate blog about that in the future).

So there is my rant.  I know people will disagree with me on several points but the essence of these issues is not incorrect.  Merry Christmas everyone :)!

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10 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. nope, i think you covered everything pretty well…except the british overpolitness. i call it the thank you syndrome.

    when i go to make a simple purchase and have to hear thank you at least 10 times, in different forms…without the slightest sincereity or eye contact…

    want to join us for a cup of coffee at the diner..
    http://24hourdiner.wordpress.com/

    • Thanks for the invite, I’ll check it out. Life certainly is different here and while there are many good things, nothing is quite like home.

  2. You are RIGHT on!! I had to laugh out loud and share some with my Brit other half.. he sniggered in consent.. You deffo covered it all…i recently moved back and luckily I was able to ‘maKE FAST FREINDS’ WITH A LaDY HERE BECAUSE IN TwO DAYS i MANAGED TO LOSE all MY KEYS AND SHE SAVED MY A$$ AND SHE BARELy knew me.. unheard of in Engand you need a letter from the archbishop of canterbury before you can be considered worthy ‘freindship’ ..

  3. All brilliantly put… although being a Brit moving to the States it’ll be interesting to see what my own list will consist of in a few months time… (I’m not one of the American haters)! On the friends meeting quickly front – if you over friendly and enthusiastic sadly you’ll be meet with pessimism and suspiscion! We’re as a nation not quite sure of people’s intentions, as opposed to just grabbing the moment and seeing where you end up! It’s a cliche but we are certainly too reserved with strangers.

    • Good luck on the move. I’m sure there will be PLENTY of things to put on a list about the U.S. I’m just nostalgic for my home country because I’ve been gone so long and have probably forgotten all the things that used to annoy me there — like the religious nuts! (Uh-oh, hopefully I won’t be hearing it for that comment!) I need to put together a positive list for Britain to balance my negative list. There are some good things about living here….I think. 🙂

      • Thanks very much… Can I suggest adding to your list people working with unnecessary paperwork 😛 I’m sure we’ll meet our fair share of religious nutters… good things – let me know when you find 1, problem is you need 2 for a list haha

  4. do you think would be better to travel back to the states more often? i didn’t go back for the first 5 years i was here and then went two years in a row…i realized what i swas missing (almost fainted walking around costco) now i am mising it more than ever…

    i guess the flip side is that i know some expats who have the luxury of traveling back 1-2 times every year and then do they ever really settle in here??

    just curious how you feel….especially with littl un’s

    • We travel back to the States regularly (about once a year) but after our last trip in August with the three kids we’re not flying for a long while — not a travel experience I want to repeat again! I did love being home though, especially in the summertime. I’m not all down on England but there are just so many curiosities here that are easy to make fun of. Also, it’s hard to be away from our parents when the children are changing so much everyday.

  5. I am really enjoying reading your well written articles. It looks like you spend a lot of effort and time on your blog. I have bookmarked it and I am looking forward to reading new articles. Keep up the good work!

  6. As much as I can understand right now, I think you’re right!


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